Rumor Has It….

By Robin Havens Parker

When in conflict, it is common turn to another for support. However, too often this becomes a gossip session that spirals out of control. Have you ever noticed how these types of conversations have a tendency to take on a life of their own?

Do not be mistaken – gossip is poison.

So, how do we discuss problems without it turning to gossip?

A few years back I was serving on a board where there was a problem with a member of the volunteer committee. Any time this situation came up, it quickly became a “Did you hear what he did last week?” and an “I can’t believe he handles things this way” type of discussion. Although we honestly were attempting to discuss the problematic situation, in reality, we were only having gossip sessions akin to the “pick-a-little-ladies” in the Music Man!

So where is the line? How do we learn to discuss issues that need to be dealt with and leave the gossip out of the mix? First of all, the best solution is to talk directly to the person with whom we have the issue. Wow, what a concept! Deal honestly, kindly and directly with the individual involved without involving another living human being!

My favorite fall back is – I’m just venting! Well, that is a slippery slope, which I have started to watch a bit more closely. I do have one or two select friends that I KNOW I can trust implicitly who will not repeat things I say when I do need to vent – the kind of friends who understand– what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. However, recently I’ve started curtailing those conversations because what I’ve discovered is that even though the discussion may not leave the room – the poison is still there. Why do I want to spend quality time venting with someone I love and trust this much when I could be having a real conversation? I also believe venting creates negative Karma …and do you know what else I’ve come to realize? Even if I don’t tell anyone – those resentful feelings poison ME. Gossip is a virus – even if we contain the germs we are still sick!

This gets us to the root of the problem – our resentful feelings. As I sit here and type this, a phrase my grandmother used comes to mind – she used to say “she is stewing in her own juices.” That is basically what we are doing with our resentful feelings even if we are not gossiping about them.

In the infamous words of the trending Disney song from Frozen, we must “Let it Go” – let go of resentment, of ego and even if, or especially if, we cannot change the situation let go of the outcome; we can be at peace with ourselves if we simply start to let it go. That does not mean to ignore the situation, because avoiding or ignoring the conflict is not the solution. However if we can let the resentful feelings go, we will be much better equipped to deal with the conflict, openly and honestly.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt